What the Heck Does "Put the Relationship First Mean?"

In which I share the way I think about answering this important question.

In the world of Natural Horsemanship there is a very common phrase: "put the relationship first."

This is a wonderful ideal, and I think most of us who are involved in the horse world would agree whole heartedly with it. Horses are an expensive, time-consuming activity, and without having the relationship at the center of our activity things quickly get hollow and unfulfilling.

However, nodding and smiling knowingly when we read an uplifting phrase and actually implementing that phrase as a principle when the hooves meet the turf can be two very different things. In a practical sense, what does it really mean to put the relationship first?

Your Expectations May Vary

There can be no hard and fast set of bullet points to outline "putting the relationship first." Each relationship is build on the interactions and energy between two unique individuals. Thus, each relationship is itself uniquely individual.

On the human side, I don't want the same things from a horse that you do. Nor do I want the same things from every horse.

On the horse side, I can guarantee that individual horses want different things from their relationships with people.

For these reasons, it is a futile exercise to try and create one relationship blueprint. Hence, the ambiguity in saying, "put the relationship first." The major object of that sentence is nebulous and hard to define.

We Define the Relationship

To my mind, a relationship is not about how you act towards me or how I act towards you. We can't define a relationship by how the individual behaves because a relationship functions at a different level from the individual.

Instead, I think the relationship must be put in terms of "we," rather than I or you.

My Definition

As with most things worth considering, there is a paradox here. While the definition of our relationship must be about "us," both "you" and "I" have to carry that definition in our heads and hearts.

Below is the working draft of the definition I carry with me. Instead of a blueprint or set of rules, I think of it as a series of principles that guide my decisions and actions.

We travel together: We don't leave without the other.

We ask questions: Neither of us acts unilaterally.

We always answer: Neither of us is left in the dark.

We listen respectfully: Every response is valued. If one of us says no, the other makes a change.

We act consistently: We communicate clearly when an expectation changes.

Your Definition?

How do you define "put the relationship first?" Do you have a different definition for each relationship? Do you prefer clear rules or strong principles? Thanks for sharing.

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